Sex Passively

Sex always leaves me some obscure feelings afterwards

And recently I’ve been wondering;

"If sex happens passively, sex might be more acceptable to me"

In a context of a male-female heterosexual relationship

The norm is "Man makes the first move"

I’m not particularly against that 

But when it comes to sex,
it causes a subtle yet quite unsettling confusion inside me

Since I’m the one who initiates sex,
it feels as if "I wanted sex"

But the question that often comes afterwards is;

"Did I really want sex then?"

Like many other men (& women) in today’s world,
I feel a certain pressure

There is a role called "Male" and
countless descriptions of my "tasks" are already written there

"Initiating sex" is one of them

As a result, even when I’m not particularly feeling like having sex in that moment,
I feel a "pressure" to act as if "I want"

But after sex and I finally become alone,
— or sometimes a few months/years later —,
I find myself wondering;

"Did I really want sex back then?"

And the answer always seems "Yes"

Because I was the one who initiated

Even if that initiation was driven by "societal (external) pressure",
still I was the one who took the action

And it feels only natural to conclude;

"I wanted sex, that’s why I initiated and had sex"

But I’m not sure

And now I'm wondering,
if sex happens passively, the aftertaste would feel very different