Too late to die

Last night

Turn off the room light

Lay in my bed

alone

thinking about suicide, as follows;

---

Mishima Yukio committed suicide at the age of 45

During the last 5 years of his life (40 〜 45 years old),
Mishima occasionally revealed his "concern";

"The suicide of an old man is not beautiful"

---

I’m not at his age yet

But everyday, I’m certainly aging and getting closer to 45

And something I was gradually understanding in recent years is;

The suicide of a young man (around 20 years old) is beautiful

while

the suicide of an older person, including myself, is not

---

When I was 20 years old,
I didn’t think "my suicide" would be beautiful

Rather, even at that young age,
I was already aware that the suicide of a young person is often driven by narcissism

But, having passed that age long ago and now looking back,
I'm not that bothered by the narcissism of a young person anymore

Rather, I'm gradually coming to believe
the suicide of the young is undoubtedly more beautiful than those in their 30s, 40s, or older

---

........In this sense,
perhaps I've missed the season of my life for a beautiful suicide