With what I had sex?

*From my previous diary

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Night 

Sex

Then
morning

Finally I am alone

---

On the way to a cafe

The question comes

"With what I had sex.....?"

Always this question comes the next morning, when I am alone

"WITH WHAT I had sex....?"

---

Listing the things she consists of;

Sex: Female
Age: X
Height: Y
Nationality: Polish
Eye colour: A
Name: B
Personality: C
Hair colour: D
Character: E
Manicure: F
Habit: G

etc.....

I know
combined all these things will never equal her

I know
she is a unique human being that can't be summarised into any individual components

---

I want to see the entire picture
I want to hold the entire thing
I want to feel the entire existence, called "Human being"

And I should have experienced the wholeness of her

Because I had sex with her

Sex should be the experience
of the whole thing
of the entire other living existence

But it was not

I don't feel
I even touched the edge of what she contains

She......or, a human being......is
so vast
so deep
so diverse

It is impossible to capture,
to grasp,
to summarise a human being into anything I can see, touch, describe, or list

---

"With what I had sex.....?"

This question must be the proof of my failed attempt 

I wanted to know her more
I wanted to experience a woman more
I wanted to be close other living existence more

But I failed

Or, I was rejected & left alone

---

Now, sitting in a cafe alone

I'm still trying to list the things
that she might be made of
that will never equal her,
no matter how many of them I gather

I am going to fail

Because she is a human being