'I will not see you again'

10/February/2023 in Kyoto

A few days ago I was meeting a girl

Our first going-out

In the middle of the meeting, she expressed "a message"

"Well, this meeting was okay, but not as interesting as I'd expected. Probably I'll not see you again. You failed. Now I want to go home ASAP"

Of course she didn't say like this

But very subtle things from her.....her attitude, her choice of words, her moves etc.....told me this message clearly

In this moment I was surprised

Not heartbreaking or anything

But at least, I thought our meeting went well until this point and I assumed she thought the same, but the reality was not. She felt quite the opposite

I guess I was able to hide my surprise from her & behaved normally until we said bye bye 15 min later

But during this 15 min, I was feeling some transition inside me

At the moment I got a message, I was surprised

Then, as this initial shock faded, some sort of dazzling thing, sweet thing.....let's call it "excitement".....appeared in my mind

Probably it is excitement that I want to feel in a man-woman dynamics

Woman doesn't give me what I want
Woman doesn't fulfil my expectations
Woman goes against me

But if thing goes as expected,

We can't be thrilled
We can't be excited
We can't dream of
& We can't forget our boredom

We haven't communicated since we parted at the crossroad

There is some sort of slight sadness there, since at least we met & spent some time together

At the same time, I feel the meeting was fruitful

I could forget my boredom & could taste various juicy emotions for 15 min