Still Can't Accept Her Emotions


They say a relationship with our parent is
"our first relationship"

Thus, it has a long-lasting influence for our lifetime and constantly affects relationships we create with others

I think the same rule can be applied for a romantic relationship

One's first romantic relationship provides us "a template"

How a relationship looks like
How a couple feels like

And we would think
"This is what a romantic relationship should be like"

without being aware that it could be totally wrong & distorted

It's been too obvious for myself that
my views towards a romantic relationship, and even towards a woman, are still affected by my first intimate experience with an opposite sex,
namely, my first romantic relationship, from decades ago

We were not equal, "emotionally"

She liked me much more than I liked her
She was all over me
She was obsessed with me, almost

And this consequence for me is that,
when I'm into some kind of romantic relationship,
the woman could look somewhat "cold" or "not emotional enough"

Subconsciously or consciously, probably I would think;

"My-ex showed me so much emotion towards me......Why doesn't this woman show it as much as my ex did?"

Long time passed since I broke up with this ex

But only after +10 years passed, I finally came to realise how much she liked me
And more importantly, how precious her emotions were

Back then,
I was often annoyed by her too strong emotions towards me
I was very bothered
I was so fed up

Or, I should say,
I was actually happy but I acted like I was annoyed

Only after +10 years passed,

I could finally have a gratitude for her

I could finally realise how genuine & how precious her emotions were

Only after my age much increased,
Only after too much time passed,
Only after I knew nothing about her........where she is, what she is doing.......even I don't know if she is still alive or not........

Only after this, I reached this point

But, even if I meet her now, I would never get into a relationship with her again

Even if I could understand more & could get a gratitude for her emotions back then, I don't want anything from her now

Or, I should say,
I'm still unsure if I can accept that amount of emotions she showed me back then

It means,
probably I'm still a person who doesn't deserve her emotions

Over the past decades, I've thought about this matter countless times
Over the past decades, I went through countless interactions with an opposite sex

Only after that,
I realised how precious & special her emotions were,
and I felt guilty for not giving back the same to her

But there is nothing I can do with it now
Rather, I don't want to do anything with it now