15/November/2023 in Belgrade
They say a relationship with our parent is
"our first relationship"
Thus, it has a long-lasting influence for our lifetime and constantly affects relationships we create with others
I think the same rule can be applied for a romantic relationship
One's first romantic relationship provides us "a template"
How a relationship looks like
How a couple feels like
And we would think
"This is what a romantic relationship should be like"
without being aware that it could be totally wrong & distorted
It's been too obvious for myself that
my views towards a romantic relationship, and even towards a woman, are still affected by my first intimate experience with an opposite sex,
namely, my first romantic relationship, from decades ago
We were not equal, "emotionally"
She liked me much more than I liked her
She was all over me
She was obsessed with me, almost
And this consequence for me is that,
when I'm into some kind of romantic relationship,
the woman could look somewhat "cold" or "not emotional enough"
Subconsciously or consciously, probably I would think;
"My-ex showed me so much emotion towards me......Why doesn't this woman show it as much as my ex did?"
Long time passed since I broke up with this ex
But only after +10 years passed, I finally came to realise how much she liked me
And more importantly, how precious her emotions were
I was often annoyed by her too strong emotions towards me
I was very bothered
I was so fed up
Or, I should say,
I was actually happy but I acted like I was annoyed
Only after +10 years passed,
I could finally have a gratitude for her
I could finally realise how genuine & how precious her emotions were
Only after my age much increased,
Only after too much time passed,
Only after I knew nothing about her........where she is, what she is doing.......even I don't know if she is still alive or not........
Only after this, I reached this point
But, even if I meet her now, I would never get into a relationship with her again
Even if I could understand more & could get a gratitude for her emotions back then, I don't want anything from her now
Or, I should say,
I'm still unsure if I can accept that amount of emotions she showed me back then
probably I'm still a person who doesn't deserve her emotions
Over the past decades, I've thought about this matter countless times
Over the past decades, I went through countless interactions with an opposite sex
Only after that,
I realised how precious & special her emotions were,
and I felt guilty for not giving back the same to her
But there is nothing I can do with it now
Rather, I don't want to do anything with it now