Source of My Life Contradiction

19/September/2023 in Krakow

Recently I feel I'm approaching the fundamental reason for this confusion & contradiction in my life

that I've been suffering for ages, for more than 20 years, probably

That is,
a separation between abstract world & concrete world

There are art works I was deeply impressed by

These art works, mostly songs & books, still deeply touch me to this day

Also, there are people who are significant parts of my life, of my existence

such as Mishima Yukio,
such as Abe Shinzo,
such as this Japanese musician who I've been listening to for 20 years

Every time I think about them, I feel something

"Something"........., I don't know the name of this emotion

This is the emotion that feels holy, sublime & supreme
This is the emotion that is connected to a very fundamental element of my existence
This is the emotion that is connected to an eternity & "truth"

Then, as well as this abstract world,
there is another world in my life, called

"concrete world"
or simply, "realistic world"

This world includes everything in my daily life, such as

washing my clothes,
working for my client,
paying the rent,
going to a supermarket,
cooking spaghetti,
taking a bus,
socialising with other people,
spending time with a woman

.........All these daily, normal, ordinary, mundane, mediocre, trivial, un-impressive, un-important, absurd, worthless things belong to this "concrete world"

What I don't understand at all.........

What I don't understand in the slightest.........


the relation between "abstract world" & "concrete world"

For example,
I come across this song that brings a special emotion
to me,
to my life,
to my existence

But what is the relation between

this emotion I feel from the song


things I do everyday,
like, washing my teeth,
selecting my clothes,
buying a drink for a girl,
checking an event on the weekend,
giving a smile to a female barista in a cafe or.........

How are they related?

How is it related between

this enormous sensation from an art work & from people I find significant in my life


this ordinary,
this mundane,
this down-to-earth,
this worthless despicable garbage in my life?

.........One day, I may solve this question & this contradiction

It will be the day that I will feel I don't need to exist in this world anymore