Pension

Sometimes
my father sends me articles about pensions

“How to save efficiently”
“Tips for retirement”

He means well—kindness, concern, whatever it is parents feel

But almost every time
I don’t read them

Instead, I feel a slight discomfort

Because it feels like pressure

An unspoken pressure:

"I have to live long"

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To receive a pension,
I must live long

But I’m not sure if I want to

Or rather
I want to reserve the right, the freedom, to exit this world whenever I feel like

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Regardless of what I feel
money is automatically taken from my income
for a future I’m not sure I believe in

Wondering

"Will I still be alive then?"
"Do I want to be?"

......and a strange thought crossed my mind

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"Did Mishima regret paying into his pension before he died?"

He died by suicide at 45

He had paid for years and years, and a lot

And his family couldn’t reclaim it

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So, did Mishima ever regret it, even for a moment?

Answer is apparently apparent

If the thought of pension had stopped him,
then his life would’ve become utterly joke