ART OF LIFE/すべてを破壊せずにはいられない衝動

26/December/2022 in Tokyo

".....I can't heal this broken heart in pain

Cannot start to live

Cannot end my life

Keep on crying"


".....I try to stop myself

But my heart goes to destroy the truth

Tell me why

I want the meaning of my life

Do I try to live

Do I try to love"


By quoting lyrics from the song I like, what can I tell?

Will someone listen to the song and read the lyrics, and will be as impressed as I am?

Perhaps yes, most probably no

Because I wasn't only impressed by these lines

There is something more behind these lines

There is something much more behind the surface of art works

What is this "something"?

It's "drama"

Admittedly, there is a countless number of songs, films, books, paintings I just enjoy without knowing anything about its behind

But thinking about works I'm deeply impressed by, or deeply obsessed with, the essential part is always.....

the reason why he created this work

the struggles he had to cope with

the drama he had to go through

or, the pain he had to endure

or, the pain he tried to heal through this creative activity


Mishima's "Golden Temple" is a book that I'm unable to "remove" from my life

Now I can clearly see Mishima's pain, Mishima's struggles, and Mishima's loneliness

But it wasn't obvious from the beginning

It took me several years to comprehend Mishima's life and dramas he had to go through

And after that, "Golden Temple" started to give off different lights and brought me much more

I was able to see every single line of the book screams out of loneliness and no longer see this book other than "a book of loneliness"

I still have no idea about things like, Buddhism concepts which the book talks about, how many awards it received, what kind of value it has in the history of Japanese literature

Or how other people read this book

The only thing I know is Mishima was in deep pain, Mishima was very struggling, and Mishima was so lonely

And in "Golden Temple", Mishima expressed himself to the extent that makes everyone wonder how he could complete such a dreadful work and created this novel

This is the drama I always can't help feeling while reading "Golden Temple"


And this song, "ART OF LIFE"

15 years since my first listen and still didn't come across a single song that brings an impression that "listening" feels like "watching (a film)"

It's simply due to an intensity of the song

This song is the only song I don't pay attention to vocal, guitar or base, but only to drums & piano

The more I got to know about this song, why the song's composer.....a drummer & pianist.....created it, how he played in a concert,

the more I could see what is behind

the more I could sense sadness, anger & pain he injected into the song

the more I could feel this bottomless sadness, this violent anger, this destructive pain & this uncontrollable impulse of destroying everything

And I still think expressing these emotions to this tremendous this extremely violent yet sensitive way.....was probably something only music can do, not painting, filming, not to mention writing

It's always unbearable to listen to a song that the vocalist doesn't write its lyrics by himself

I can't stand its fake-ness and emptiness when he emotionally passionately sings lines written by others

If it's someone's words, this singing is just a stupid acting performance

He writes lyrics for his songs....., this is the only way to remains authenticity & realness of his emotions he wants to convey in the song and to keep its consistency

However, lyrics of "ART OF LIFE" was written by the pianist & drummer, not by the vocalist

Yet still "ART OF LIFE" keeps its "consistency"

This drummer & pianist looks very fragile

And watching how the song was played, it's impossible not to think his physicality was also one of means of expressing song's key concepts

His physicality on the stage embodies

"violence", "anger" & "pain" through his drum banging

"sadness", "loneliness" & "self-destruction" through his piano play

"fragility", "sensitivity" & "beauty" through his look

This song itself contains many contradictory elements as listed above, but the most prominent one is "Sensitivity & Strength"

And he is exactly the one who expresses this concept more than anything through his own physique

If he'd been a big macho shaved-head man, I must've sensed only unacceptable, unbearable, unforgivable dis-harmony and never found any consistency between the song & the creator/him

As is obvious now, watching how the song is played is necessary in order to fully enjoy what the music brings

So that, while listening, I can subconsciously/consciously picture in my mind his moves, his facial expressions and his emotions

To take an example, "ART OF LIFE" contains 10 min piano solo part and, as many say, I also thought it's too long and redundant

But when seeing his performance, I soon realised it was wrong

Rather, this piano part is absolutely essential to express his drama

This song was played only twice in 1993, .....and obviously I watched it on YouTube....., and this loneliness he showed during the piano part, in the middle of huge Tokyo Dome stadium alone, was something any words can't depict


From the beginning to the end, "Golden Temple" & "ART OF LIFE" is entirely filled with their life drama

This ability of expressing himself, this courage of exposing himself, is what I'm touched, moved and impressed by

Or more accurately, this relentless courage of facing his true-self

this fearless will of exposing himself to the world

or just simply, this sincere attitude towards his own life

is what deeply touches me

If he doesn't face himself sincerely, I would feel what he creates is lukewarm, tasteless shit, despicable garbage, vulgar mental masturbation, disgusting nasty smelly sperm, just like all books of Murakami and Kazuo Ishiguro

But then, did they felt better after they released these deep uncontrollable emotions inside them by creating works?

I don't think so

I'm absolutely certain that, an enormous sense of satisfaction & liberation from finishing the work was immediately fading, as if dreams, and they had to realise emotions, which had pushed them for creative activity in the first place, still remained exactly as it were, and they had to live with it, most likely, forever

This become apparently obvious if we listen to the last 7 min of "ART OF LIFE" towards the end

On the surface, this piano-featured grand finale-like part sounds very rich and gorgeous, surely brings a sense of catharsis, and so it looks like he was released from the pain & anger

However, it's also very apparent, he wasn't in the slightest

Then, what's the point of creating works?

Probably, it is the way to co-exist with emotions which we don't want to feel yet we have to live with

I'm enough aware that this type of "too dramatic" works, like "ART OF LIFE" or "Golden Temple", is not for everyone and I sometimes wonder why I'm always so attracted to it

Perhaps I subconsciously feel my life lacks dramas and look for compensation from external things, like art

But probably, through this type of works, I feel I touch their most humanly aspects and, more than anything, I can see who they really are

...There is something much more behind the surface of art works

What is this "something"?

It's "drama"

It's "human"

The more I touched this type of art, the more I could see why some/many artists show a little interest in things which normal ordinary average citizens usually do, such as job, money, marriage or relationships

Comparing to intoxications & eXtasy that art and creative activity gives, engaging these un-original, cookie-cutter, factory-made, mass-produced things & values must feel shallow, absurd, basically garbage

".....I'm making the wall inside my heart

I don't wanna let my emotions get out

It scares me to look at the world

Don't want to find myself lost in your eyes"


".....Can't go back

No place to go back to

Life is lost, flowers fall

If it's all dreams, now wake me up

If it's all real, just kill me