Far Away From

9/September/2023 in Kraków

In my teens, I was thinking.......
as I get older, I would lose a certain sensitivity

I was thinking being adult means
being less sensitive

I was thinking being adult means
converting "softness" in me into something hard

Also I was thinking.......
as I get older, the reality around me would be more organised, more fixed, more stable & more predictable

And anything.......even dreams.......would never distract me

Many years have passed since my teens
And what actually happened was
a complete opposite

I feel my sensitivity became more shape & vivid

And I feel the reality around me became even more un-organised, unfixed, unstable & unpredictable

I haven't got clear views towards many things yet
Rather, feels like I had far clearer views during my teen years

Surely I became more experienced, I became more mature & I became older

But what I found was
these "progresses" does not make my views clearer, rather made it blurry

In my teens I was far more opinionated, far more judgemental & far more "hard"

The reason would be
lack of confidence & experiences in me

The more I experienced various events in life,
the harder it became to keep black & white views

The more my age increased,
the more I could forgive ambiguity of life, ambiguity of others

The more I met other people,
the more I was amazed how chaotic they are,
hence, how attractive humans are

The young doesn't have enough "examples" inside himself, and deep down he is very aware of it

So that he makes use of things outside himself

His way of thinking,
His opinions,
His values.....

He stoles all of them from his environment
And makes himself believe it's his own, unique, individual things

The reality is though,
it is what the majority in his society thinks,
and, again, he himself is very aware of it

Aware of an instability of himself

The young is anxious
The young is nervous
The young is fearful

He thinks, when he becomes "adult man".......
he can get something certain
he can remove these anxieties, worries & fears
& he can hide his emotions from others

Now I feel I’m very far away from this "adult man"
And I'm glad I remain myself far away

If I didn't, I would already lose a meaning of being alive in this world

If I didn't, I would miss an opportunity to taste these fresh, acute, dazzling things, called emotions