11/November/2023 in Belgrade
I've met a countless number of non-Japanese people
Through it, I had to notice
I have a slightly bigger attachment with this concept, "home country" or "motherland", or "Japan"
Certainly, "home country" is a special place for anyone
But I've felt my attachment with Japan is somewhat stronger than "average" (if it's measurable)
Probably there are many reasons behind
―Maybe Japanese people tend to have such an attitude, as in "I'm Japanese. But he/she is NOT"
It's an island nation and they might have a bit stronger concept about "Who is an insider & Who is an outsider"
―Maybe I'm a bit too attached with culture & history of Japan, due to my preferences & quirks
―Maybe I lived in a couple of foreign countries with "weak reasons", so that I perhaps idealised my home country. Will explain this point next
I lived in London, due to study
I lived in Amsterdam, due to my desire of not living in Japan
I lived in Warsaw, due to a relationship
All these reasons look valid
At the same time, it looks
not solid enough,
not strong enough,
not reliable enough
It is actually uneasy to be in a place where I don't have a strong reason for my stay
It is actually uneasy to have this attitude 24/7;
"I can stay here. But I don't have to stay here"
Compared to these weak, ambiguous, insignificant reasons,
"Being in Japan" seems lucid enough
There, nobody asks me
"Why are you in this country?"
Because it's my home country
"I'm from this country. That's why I'm here now"
Are there any more valid, clear, trustworthy reasons than this?
Besides, I don't have to think these practical questions;
"How long can I stay here?" or
"Can I get a visa next year?"
Or, these existential questions;
"Why am I here?" or
"What am I doing here?"
This simple fact, "I'm from this country", justifies, wipes out, eradicates all garbage questions from the outside, from myself
The more I left & returned, the more my attachment with Japan increased
Now, it reached almost a morbid level