my first sadness

*Japanese ver

A week ago

Turned off the room light

Went into bed

Suddenly
an old memory came across my mind

---

That winter day

Very sunny in Tokyo,
despite heavy snow falling the night before

I was 9 years old

---

After school, I walked alone on the snow-covered street

An old guy came up to me

60 - 70 years old
Tanned skin
Looked very sporty

---

We played together with snow

Throwing snow each other
Making a snowman together

After that, he left

Looking back from now,
probably he wanted to feel some sort of "childhood-ness" by playing with a kid

---

Next day was also very sunny

After school, I went to the same place

I hoped he would pass & we would meet again

But, instead, a few boys were coming

3 - 4 years older than me
They looked big, comparing to my 9-year-old self

One boy found a snowman we made

And all boys started to kick it with laughing

Snowman
Slowly being ruined

---

20 - 30 meters away

I was just watching

Could I stop them?

They were older and bigger than me

Even if I could, how, and what to say?

This was "just" a snowman

Who would care?

---

Probably it was the moment when I felt a certain sadness for the first time in my life

A snowman that I & an old guy had made was being destroyed
.......This was that, something he and I shared was being destroyed

A snowman got kicked, got dirty and lost its shape
.......This was that, my memory got stained & cracked

And myself, who did nothing but just watching
.......This was the proof that strength & courage were lacking in me

---

Sadness

Sadness was felt sharply

But this was not simple sadness

This was sadness mixed with my own fear & powerless-ness of not being able to stop the destruction

Probably that moment,
I got to know "new type of sadness" that still carries on now

Sadness & Guilt