my first sadness

27/January/2024 in Tokyo

*Japanese ver

A week ago

Turned off the room light

Went into bed

an old memory came across my mind

That winter day

Very sunny in Tokyo,
despite heavy snow falling the night before

I was 9 years old

After school, I walked alone on the snow-covered street

An old guy came up to me

60 - 70 years old
Tanned skin
Looked very sporty

We played together with snow

Throwing snow each other
Making a snowman together

After that, he left

Looking back from now,
probably he wanted to feel some sort of "childhood-ness" by playing with a kid

Next day was also very sunny

After school, I went to the same place

I hoped he would pass & we would meet again

But, instead, a few boys were coming

3 - 4 years older than me
They looked big, comparing to my 9-year-old self

One boy found a snowman we made

And all boys started to kick it with laughing

Slowly being ruined

20 - 30 meters away

I was just watching

Could I stop them?

They were older and bigger than me

Even if I could, how, and what to say?

This was "just" a snowman

Who would care?

Probably it was the moment when I felt a certain sadness for the first time in my life

A snowman that I & an old guy had made was being destroyed
.......This was that, something he and I shared was being destroyed

A snowman got kicked, got dirty and lost its shape
.......This was that, my memory got stained & cracked

And myself, who did nothing but just watching
.......This was the proof that strength & courage were lacking in me


Sadness was felt sharply

But this was not simple sadness

This was sadness mixed with my own fear & powerless-ness of not being able to stop the destruction

Probably that moment,
I got to know "new type of sadness" that still carries on now

Sadness & Guilt