My most difficult relationship

Talking about one's own people means talking about oneself

Talking about Japanese people means talking about myself

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There is a subject I tried to avoid over the past couple of months

Because once I touch this specific subject, my honest opinions about Japanese people are exposed

They're nasty
They're vulgar
They're despicable

The only thing they think about is what others think

They're bizarre creatures rather than humans
They're robots rather than humans
They're plastic products from a factory rather than living existence from the nature

What they think is what others think about them
What they do is what their environment expects from them
What their life all about is acting & pretending, according to expectations from others around

And without these expectations, they have no idea what they think & do, since they never think about anything by themselves

And if things go wrong, they shamelessly complain

despite the fact that these undesired results come from exactly their extraordinary dependent attitude to others & their extraordinary laziness of not to use their own brain & will

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The subject I was avoiding is, mask

The Japanese still put a mask

Most of them no longer believe in the effectiveness of masks, but still they put it

They're scared of standing out by being the only ones who don't wear it in the place

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Since the pandemic started 3 years ago, the Japanese gov has never imposed to wear a mask

People put it spontaneously

Last month the gov announced;

"Since 13th March, whether or not putting a mask will be an individual decision"

This was such a strange announcement

Unlike other countries, a mask was never an obligation in this country. It's been always "an individual decision", but it's been like an obligation as everyone was very happy to put it

Then, today is the 20th of March

I was traveling through the countryside & some big cities

99% of them still put a white fabric on their face

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I was avoiding the subject of the mask, avoiding a talk about it, avoiding news on it

Because their opinions & actions around a mask reveal their meek, weak, immature characters to an unbearable level

They don't want to stop a mask
as they're too worried of being standing out
as they're too afraid of being "secretly" criticised by others as if breaking the rule

Also this very absurd opinion is often heard;

"I haven't shown my 'real face' for the past 3 years. Now, without a mask, I am too embarrassed to show it to others. So I'll continue a mask"

Their morbid mental weakness is sickening
Their morbid immaturity is disgusting
Their morbid unconfidence is irritating

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These days I get a strange look from other Japanese human beings on the street, shops, trains

Most probably because I don't wear a mask

Every time I get a glance from them, some slight irritation runs in my body

Because through their quick glance at me
I can see their excessive attention to others
their miserable weak mentality
their morbid unconfidence

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With time people with masks will certainly decrease. And obviously "mask" is just one example

Various kind of absurdity of Japanese human beings are observed everyday everywhere in this country

.....Walking on the busy street

Anyone can quickly notice that the Japanese pay very close attention to things & persons around

It looks polite, respectful, attentive, careful, well-behaved, if I try to see it positively

It looks so timid, so nervous, so anxious, so coward, so morbid, if I'm honest

It is their politeness, carefulness, consideration that always bring me irritation

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..........Very difficulty of talking about Japanese people is;

I'm Japanese myself, hence

I can see too much of their internal reasoning
I can see too much of why they're so weak
I can see too much of why they're so immature
I can see too much of why they're so unconfident

Because I am one of them

It means

A Japanese person who is so worried about what others think is me
A Japanese person who is so immature is me
A Japanese person who is so unconfident in himself is me

No matter how much I look down, despise, disdain the Japanese, I have to accept this very fact that the exact same characters & traits I hate so much exist inside myself too, deeply-rooted in my DNA

The only difference between me and "them" is that
I'm enough aware of these "Japanese-ness" in me and I have enough control over it

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Talking about the Japanese always leads to talking about myself
Criticising the Japanese always leads to self-criticism
Hating & denying the Japanese always leads to self-hatred & self-denial

If I was a non-Japanese person, I could have far more easy-going attitude

No matter how I loved, disliked, hated, scorned, disdained Japanese people, I would never be them, as I was a foreigner

So that, there is no fear. I wouldn't have to be worried that I would happen to be like that mentally weak, that immature, that unconfident Japanese human beings

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Due to an extended period of my life outside Japan & some of my inborn nature, I no longer feel I'm "100%" Japanese

At the same time, I'm not yet blind enough to think I could remove, or will be able to remove, all "Japanese-ness" from me

What's more, I'm not wanting to do so

I'm not wanting to be Polish or Dutch or American or any other nationality

Being Japanese, having "Japanese-ness", are not totally pleasing. But it's fine
Or occasionally even proudful

I love Japanese people as much as I hate Japanese people

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Living abroad made my life limitlessly rich
It also made my life bottomlessly difficult

Sometimes I recall an old time before going abroad as a fortunate period

It was when I could have harmony with things around me
It was when I could assimilate environments & people in this country
It was when I didn't have to be aware of my own "Japanese-ness"

At the same time, my current life........

feels like an outsider in a foreign country
feels like an outsider in Japan
feels like an outsider anywhere

........is the only & most suitable life for myself