Reading 'I was a girlfriend of Morita Masakatsu'


Reading a memoir about Morita
who died with Mishima in 1970

This memoir was written by Morita's girlfriend
and published in 2023

Before opening it,
I expected "something" from this book

Mishima was a man who always acted "a strong man"

Trying to hide his "soft", "private", "humanly" sides

Thus, I was expecting
I could get to see some of these aspects of Mishima from this book

And certainly, while reading the first 20 pages,
I came across a scene where I felt like Mishima was showing his human sides

But after that,
I had to remember one obvious, apparent, fact

that is,

this book was written by a woman whose partner committed suicide

this book was written by a person who "was left behind" in this world

But still.........

More than 50 years have passed since her boyfriend's death

I kinda thought
she overcame all of her emotional things

She even got married several years after Morita's death, and had 2 children

"Happy days" must have been continuing

And I was guessing that
she was writing this book, as if she was remembering her "good old days"........

........the time when she was unmarried,

.......all these nostalgic beautified memories with a man who died with the most famous Japanese writer of that time, of even 2024

But the reality was.........
what is written in the book was.........

many heartbreaking matters

She has been suffering from a loss of her ex-boyfriend

She has been thinking about him for the past 50 years

She still has big emotions for Morita

These are so obvious that
her emotions for Morita look like much bigger & much more passionate than the ones for her husband

There's one episode in the book

25th July was Morita's birthday

She invited him to her house to celebrate

And for this,
she bought a gift,
decorated her room,\ cooked lots of dishes,
and waited for Morita to come,
until 4am the next day

But he didn't come

Few days later they met up and she asked him why

Morita gave only unclear explanations

It was the point where she was having a doubt for Morita's feelings for her

They still met up afterward

But she couldn't forgive him and their relationship got into a kind of stormy water

Then, 4 months later

25th November 1970

Morita died

"Why didn't he come to my place on his birthday?"

was a question she couldn't solve for a long time

But in 2020, she finally got to know why

She got to know
Morita's mother passed away when Morita was child
And the date was 25th July

She got to know
Morita's birthday was also a death anniversary of his mother

And she could guess
probably that's why Morita didn't feel like celebrating his birthday

After 50 years, she finally got an answer

Yet, it also deepened her regrets

If she had known it back then,
she could probably have acted differently

And perhaps, it could have changed a life of Morita

Morita died, not because of a relationship with her

Morita's reasons, and Mishima's reasons, were far far beyond such "trivial", "unimportant", "absurd" matters

But still, she can't stop thinking.......
perhaps things could have turned out differently, if she had known

"Dear Mishima Yukio, I was a girlfriend of Morita Masakatsu"

is the title

.........I opened this book, primary because of my expectation of knowing Mishima

But the book is actually a story about a woman who had to go through tremendous sadness and regrets

It's a story about a woman who could meet a man that she can't forget forever