self harm

I undressed her on my bed

At first, I didn't notice

Only after sex,
I noticed

there were several scars on her left upper thigh

---

When my hand touched them
I was not wondering what these scars were

I was not even surprised that
she had a history of self-harm

She hadn't clearly mentioned it prior

But probably, I had already guessed it subconsciously
through other things from her, around her

Though,
it was my first time sleeping with a woman who had such scars

or even my first time seeing & touching these wounds

And what surprised me most was

myself

Me, treating it as if nothing special

---

Before
I had expected I would feel something

Scars from self-injury are
a visible representation of her/his inner world

— probably struggle, suffering, anxiety, pain, sadness, melancholy, loneliness, a cry for help

.........all of which we do not show
to others, to the world
so easily, so carelessly, so openly

And I had thought I would be somewhat overwhelmed, when facing such "intense" things

But on the bed
in front of her — naked
I did not think or feel that way

Her body was just beautiful
with/without scars

She was just beautiful
with/without scars

---

(*.......Obviously, calling & concluding everything as "beautiful" is my "usual" escape route, as if beauty forgives everything. I asked her about the scars. And she told me. Yet I'm still thinking about her wounds & about her. Writing about it now must be my attempt to understand, contemplate, or simply know her better — despite not knowing if we will meet again)