My sadness & loneliness will certainly continue

20/December/2023 in Tokyo

Reading a poem written by Sakurai Atsushi

And I'm feeling "fear"

He passed away this year at the age of 57

And this is one of the last poems he wrote

I feel fear by knowing that
even 57-year-old person still had such a sensitivity

towards himself,
towards his inside,
towards his pain
towards his sadness
towards his loneliness

The reason why I'm feeling fear is
probably because I have this kind of idea about my life;

"I've been feeling these emotions, like loneliness or sadness or pain or....., but as I get older, it would disappear. Or at least somewhat would become smaller......"

This is probably one of my wishful thinkings about one's life

But what his poem shows is the opposite

"If a 57-year-old man still feels like this, then it's likely that I will still feel these emotions even when I become 57, or older............"

This realisation, or thought, brings some strange feeling to me

I don't really consider loneliness or sadness are bad emotions

Rather, it's actually a very important part of myself

I can't imagine myself without these emotions, and in fact I don't want to let them go

At the same time, I'm not thinking I fully accepted these emotions

Rather, I don't think it's necessary to fully embrace them

Probably, if possible, I would like to have a life without these emotions

If possible, I would like to experience a life that has nothing to do with sadness or loneliness

No matter how much I acknowledge these emotions are integral parts of my existence, still it's hard not to idealise a life without it

Still it's hard not to imagine how cheerful, how bright, how light my life would be,
if these emotions, these shadows, do not exist in me

But what his poem reveals is,
highly likely these emotions will go with me,
probably till the end of my life

In a sense, I'm somewhat happy about it

Because, again, sadness and loneliness surely makes my life rich & tasteful

At the same time,
I'm feeling fear by imaging that, even when I become 50, 60, 80,
I will still feel these emotions in me

Or, I should say like this;

I'm feeling fear by imaging that, even when I become 50, 60, 80,
I will still be very attracted to sadness, pain and loneliness in me

what I'm feeling the most from his poem is not "fear" but "admiration", or even "awe"

Throughout his +35-year career,
he always wrote about existential subjects, such as struggling, pain, death, sorrow, and sometimes, a hope and love

In other words,
he always wrote about conditions that he, as a human being, had to accept

Even if it was not pleasing at all,
still he tried to feel it as much as he could & tried to embrace it

Even if it was not comfortable at all,
still he tried to face it as much as he could & tried to express it to the outside world

This strength of him
This sensitivity of him
This very lonely fight of him

I feel fear that
my fight will continue for the rest of my life

I feel admiration that
he suffered so much, yet did not give up

And I am surely encouraged