Something more important


The other day
I contacted someone

It was our first contact in 2 years

"How are you doing?"

I asked

"Very good now"

She replied

"I was in unstable situations back in the day"

"But now I have a good paid job, more friends, in a serious relationship, travel a lot"

Good job
More travel
More friends
Stable position
Stable relationship
Stable life
Stable something........

Things that can be seen by anyone

Things that can be touched by anyone

Things that can be summerised by one or two words.......

She was always a person
who could genuinely, wholeheartedly, inherently believe these things

Things she could see, she could touch & she could name

And this was exactly the reason why I liked her, dated her for a long time,
and in the end, found "boring"

Several years passed

Looks like she is still the same

In front of my phone's screen, showing her messages,
I smiled

as if I saw something amicable and cute

And I had to think

Things that cannot be seen by anyone

Things that cannot be touched by anyone

Things that cannot be summerised by one or two words, or probably by any words.........

Things I cannot see, I cannot touch & I cannot name other words

Things I always consider the most important in my life

I still envy her

If I could believe, like her

If I could believe "the story", "the world", "human life", like her

how light
how bright
how cheerful my life could be

"I have something more important than job, studies, career, a relationship, a partner, 'success', position etc etc etc"

Surely, certainly, definitely maybe
this attitude should deserve some respects

But perhaps

it's just an excuse
an escape
a justification
about things that one can't do,
while other people can naturally, easily, inherently do

Instead of facing
Instead of admitting
Instead of trying to change myself

perhaps I kept convincing myself like this

"I have something more important than............"

in order to stay the same

and justifying, ignoring, accepting all of my inferiorities, or "problems"