by axxxm
Something more important
23/March/2024
The other day
I contacted someone
It was our first contact in 2 years
"How are you doing?"
I asked
"Very good now"
She replied
"I was in unstable situations back in the day"
"But now I have a good paid job, more friends, in a serious relationship, travel a lot"
Good job
More travel
More friends
Stable position
Stable relationship
Stable life
Stable something........
Things that can be seen by anyone
Things that can be touched by anyone
Things that can be summerised by one or two words.......
She was always a person
who could genuinely, wholeheartedly, inherently believe these things
Things she could see, she could touch & she could name
And this was exactly the reason why I liked her, dated her for a long time,
and in the end, found "boring"
Several years passed
Looks like she is still the same
In front of my phone's screen, showing her messages,
I smiled
as if I saw something amicable and cute
And I had to think
Things that cannot be seen by anyone
Things that cannot be touched by anyone
Things that cannot be summerised by one or two words, or probably by any words.........
Things I cannot see, I cannot touch & I cannot name
..........in other words
Things I always consider the most important in my life
I still envy her
If I could believe, like her
If I could believe "the story", "the world", "human life", like her
how light
how bright
how cheerful my life could be
"I have something more important than job, studies, career, a relationship, a partner, 'success', position etc etc etc"
Surely, certainly, definitely maybe
this attitude should deserve some respects
But perhaps
it's just an excuse
an escape
a justification
about things that one can't do,
while other people can naturally, easily, inherently do
Instead of facing
Instead of admitting
Instead of trying to change myself
perhaps I kept convincing myself like this
"I have something more important than............"
in order to stay the same
and justifying, ignoring, accepting all of my inferiorities, or "problems"
