Her kindness & My fear

A few days ago
in the city centre

I was walking with an Ukrainian girl

An old guy, who kinda looked homeless
came up to me & said something in Polish

I kept walking

She stopped

And started engaging a conversation with him

---

A bit of background;

I met her several days prior

I talked to her in a bar
and had a chat for a while
and exchanged contact
and.......Simply, I didn't know much about her

She was 23 years old

---

After the conversation with the guy
she started walking

"What happened?"

She answered;

"He is hungry. I'll get some food for him. Zabka (a convenience store) around here?"

---

She bought foods & water, and going back to him

saying

"I hope he is still there. Sometimes they don't stay......I had such experiences a few times hahaha"

---

After all of this
we started walking again

I told her my surprise, and asked

"Do you do this often?"

"Sometimes"
"I can't just ignore.......How about you?"

"No......actually I never did"

Then she said

"Our behaviour is influenced by people around us. Maybe.........., correct me if I'm wrong.........., there is a different culture in your country"

This rather sounded like
she used "a neutral reason"
to avoid making me feel guilty

---

I was thinking.........

"She must be........She must become such a thoughtful partner. Such a warm-hearted mother"

"Such an extraordinary kindness she just showed is something I've never seen"

This was when
I felt "distance" from her

Rather than feeling "respect" to her
I felt "distance" from her

And I thought
it's because of my age

---

I should be impressed by her much more

But

something within me
tried to stop me to be so impressed

something within me
doesn't allow me to be so impressed by her

And I thought
it's because of my age

---

I was thinking........

if I was her age and saw her behaviour
then I would be so impressed and
would see her action as a certain "ideal" for what I should aim for in my life

Something supreme
Something sublime
Something noble
she showed

was

simply, inspirational

And it should make me think
"I want to be like her"

But
something within me
my subconsciousness
or, my "fear"
didn't allow me to feel this way

And I thought
it's because of my age

---

"Being impressed"
"Being admired"
"Being inspired"

are all dangerous things

It pushes us to change

But
do I want to change?

Do I want to make a change
instead of staying this quiet, banal
not-too-good, not-too-bad
lukewarm environment I am in?

This current life I am living in?

And I thought
it's all because of my age