27/September/2023 in Krakow
The other day,
I was hearing a breakup story from some local Polish guy
His ex-girlfriend broke up with him several months ago
And he still feels anger, pain, sadness........all these emotions towards her
I was thinking I had the same/similar experiences in the past
And remembering what I did.....
After break up with an ex........,
Sometimes, inside my mind,
I felt a strong urge to blame on her, as in
"She did that, that's why this negative consequence happened to us. She was wrong"
"She was seeing things this way, that's why it didn't work out for us. She was wrong" etc..
And, certainly, thinkings like this brought me a sense of relief, a sense of releasement
......only for a moment
Soon, it tasted bitter. Very bitter
And I felt even worse afterward
So now, breakup already happened, and we are no longer a couple & highly likely we will never be again
"I spent a very long time with this woman at some point in my life"
― This fact will remains in me for the rest of my life
"(Not all the time of course, but.....) There were moments I truly cared about her, truly worried about her, truly hoped her to be happy"
― This emotion, this genuine emotion of mine, will remain in me for the rest of my life, even if it was not conveyed to her at all
Blaming the person I found very important at some point of my life
Denying a person who I used to truly care about at some point of my life
Denying my past
And I don't want to deny any moments of my life
Every moments of my life are mine
Nobody can invade any moment, any memory, of mine
Even from my own experience,
it's extremely hard to remove grudge/resentment towards someone we are/were emotionally attached with
But it's not that hard to ease this strong negative feeling by thinking, "It was my fault"
More correctly, "It was partly my fault"
Any interactions are based on both person's reactions, namely give & receive
And an accumulations of this "give & receive" is probably called interaction or communication
Therefore, it is unrealistic, and simply not true, to think as in;
"It is his 100% fault" or
"She has 100% responsibility"
The truth is both side always holds a certain amount of responsibility
Sometimes I have 80% of responsibility & other person has 20% for the outcome
Sometimes I have 30% of responsibility & other person has 70% for the outcome
But in any case, it's undeniable that I have a certain responsibility
And I have to accept it
"She hurt me, probably because I did that prior"
"She said that, maybe because I said this"
& To accept the reasons she had for her actions/words
Reaching this point is probably called "Forgive"
She did/said something I didn't want
But for her, at that moment of her life,
probably it was what she needed to express,
probably it was "truth" for her
And to respect other's truth probably means "Forgive"
Having said, it's very difficult to forgive someone who hurt us
It took a month, a few months, several months, a year, or several years
In a sense, I feel I still haven't completely forgiven one of my ex-girlfriends from almost a decade ago
But I certainly have an experience to forgive some people who brought quite big emotional damages to me
And I still remember one of the moments that I forgave this particular woman
(*Apparently here I'm talking about internal, emotional forgiving. Not about, forgiving someone verbally in person)
It was a few years ago
I was in Tokyo
I had to reply to this woman in Europe who I didn't really want to interact anymore, because I still held a grudge/resentment towards her
It was tough to write a reply
I was writing several drafts
But all of them contained some sort of negativity towards her
It was subtle and probably she wouldn't notice
But I did notice it already
And I didn't want to send it to her
Because then, this negativity would not end but just continue
Some weeks passed while thinking what to write & how to write
Then one day, suddenly, out of nowhere, this line came up
"It just doesn't matter"
I still don't know exactly about what didn't matter to me back then
But somehow I got this almost nonchalant attitude, which is very far away from my inborn nature
I was thinking about it too much & for too long, so that I reached the point where......
"'Thinking' doesn't work"
"There is no objective correctness here"
"There is no 'fair' or 'unfair' here"
"Sometimes I was right. And other times, she was wrong"
"Sometimes I was wrong. And other times, she was right"
"She had her own reasons for her behaviours, just like I did"
"In the end, it doesn't really matter"
........And I wrote a reply for less than 5 minute
A very simple message with just several lines
The content of the message was something I didn't expect to come out of myself
It was about a wish her good luck
All of what I wrote was just a wish her a good future
It was my genuine wish
No pretense or distorted nice-ness or morbid Japanese politeness
Probably I wanted to end this endless thought in my head about her
After writing it & sending it to her, I felt finally being liberated from all of negative things with her
And I realised "Not forgiving her" was the reason to keep me trapped in the past, in all negativity
This was the reason why I couldn't resolve my negative feelings
The more we don't forgive,
the more we are trapped in the past
Forgiving is surely tough
It requires us to face something we don't want to face for an extended period of time
But I don't think remembering negative memories is such a bad thing
Later it can deepen an appreciation for someone who fulfills something unfilled
I got lots of unfulfilled feelings from this woman
But that's why, later, when I met other woman who fulfilled what I had wanted, I could appreciate her more, even if it was a very small thing
I could be sensitive enough with all small gestures she showed
This was all because I had been unfilled & unsatisfied previously
Being happy is the most in-sensitive state & tasteless
Being unhappy is probably the most sensitive state & so tasteful