by axxxm
10/May/2023 in Tokyo
My relationship with Japanese language is very distorted
Will touch 4 aspects: Speaking/Writing/Reading/Listening
Listening is the biggest problem
But before dive into it, one fundamental thing should be mentioned
Over the past decade I was often abroad & always avoided Japanese people, always very desperately
So that I hardly used Japanese
But I used Japanese every day for writing
Writing is interacting with oneself
Simply put, I used Japanese for a communication with myself, not with others
Simply put, I viewed Japanese as words almost exclusively for myself, not for others
As a result, using Japanese for interacting with others felt like "too intimate"
Felt "too direct"
Felt a risk of letting others invade my privacy, my territory
And various distortions originate from here
―Speaking
I prefer not to speak Japanese
Speaking Japanese to others feels too much, as I just wrote
Also, speaking Japanese is often very inconvenient
Japanese is an unbearably unsuitable language for communication
especially with people we'e not so close yet not so distant (which means 95% of people around us)
Japanese is a difficult language to speak when a relationship between a speaker & a listener is unclear/unestablished
Japanese has too many words that indicate distance with others
Japanese can't be spoken without an endless constant measurement of distance
Japanese communication is always restricted by distance between a speaker & a listener
Japanese doesn't have "neutral" words & expressions
In addition to that, Japanese has to be spoken very hesitantly, very nervously, very timidly
with heavy stuttering
with a dead face
with obsessively avoiding eye contact
If Japanese is spoken clearly & confidently,
it just doesn't sound right
it just doesn't feel like Japanese
You have to be an idiot to speak Japanese
―Writing
Something inside me
Something I want to express
To grab it & to drag it into the outside world,
Japanese is the only tool I can make use of
Also, just writing Japanese words is fun
Wiring Hiragana, Katakana & Kanji is very fun thing to do
―Reading
Not for getting information
But for sensing & feeling something
Japanese is my only language
I'm 120% certain that Mishima or Tanizaki's novels in translation cannot bring this rich dazzling intoxication that one can get from an original Japanese version
Among speaking/writing/reading/listening, I spend a vast amount of time in reading
One problem of getting into writing......or getting into drawing/piano/football/sewing or anything......namely, doing production, not just consumption......is
we notice small subtle things & we become precise & our standard gets higher
Books published recently, or online articles, are something I have a great difficulty with
Written in unacceptable, unbearable, unforgivable Japanese
Often I can't continue reading
This leads to the next & last point
―Listening
Currently I'm in Japan
Japanese is heard everywhere from public announcements to online video advertisement
The most unbearable one is a normal conversation of Japanese people
In a cafe
If two Japanese sit next to me & start a conversation, I always put my earphone in order not to hear their spoken Japanese
Not finishing the sentence
Ending the sentence vaguely
Constant nodding/Aizuchi
Constant signs of approval/うん、うん、そうだねー
High pitch voice
Childish, immature, weird behaviours
Putting a hand on mouth, both men & women
Over-reaction
Excessive smile
Pretending & acting
Through these traits, I can see only Japanese people's morbid weakness, morbid unconfidence, morbid avoidance, morbid self-consciousness, morbid attentiveness, morbid carefulness, morbid nervousness, morbid dependence......all these "good" qualities
Listening to Japanese songs don't bring any of these morbid feel
Only Japanese spoken by Japanese human beings does
The other day I received a message from some woman
Her text was very short & concise, written in Japanese, saying
"大好きだから"
In English this can be translated as in
"I like so much"
But these translated English words do not bring me any, even 0.0001 % of sentiment that original Japanese sentence contains
Sweet dazzling intoxication & some sorrow are completely missing, eradicated in these English words
Japanese words can get into the deepest part of me immediately, touch the most fragile layer of me bluntly
And I have no time to protect myself from
this freshness
this rawness
this violence