Best way for hiding oneself

29/March/2023 in Tokyo

I'm not extrovert at heart, but introvert

I always have a desire to hide myself from others

The best way to hide myself, that I've been practising for a long time without realising it, is to avoid my 1st language but my 2nd language/English

Freshness, vividness, realness are scary

But it is what my 1st language inevitably contains

To avoid these raw elements,
To avoid one's own emotions,
To avoid facing oneself,
then avoid using the 1st language

My 2nd language feels very mathematical, very logical, very artificial

Because I studied it, learnt it in a rational way & mastered it long after my child period ended

Hence, my 2nd language feels disconnected from my psyche

At least, less connected compared to my 1st language

It feels easier in the 2nd language to express my feeling too much or too little

due unable to catch the subtle nuances of the words

In the 2nd language, my perceptions, my recognitions, my senses......, all becomes less exact. More rough, more broad

But this is blessing for me

Thanks to my ignorance in nuances, I can save an amount of emotions to inject into words & build up walls between my internal world & an external world, called reality

When tragedies or catastrophes are conveyed in English, it feels something is lacking there

A significant element, a core of this heartbreaking event, feels somewhat missing

I can reasonably "understand"
but I can't fully "feel"