When my middle finger touches her watery part, I always feel I'm touching the lake

Lake

指が濡れた性器に触れた瞬間はいつも、湖に指先をつけたような感触を運んでくる。

みずうみ

Feeling one's own emotion is the most strong, fresh, dazzling evidence of being alive

Happiness is Tasteless 2

I felt such vivid, keen, acute emotions to the fullest

Happiness is Tasteless 1

Emotions can't go away completely, once it's born inside us

Loneliness in bed

Who can steal my deep appreciation towards him?

How to Deal with Breakup

To extract beauty from reality & to compose another beauty

Photography I did a few years ago

Eating activity can reveal something very animalistic in us

Eating Reveals

Biggest attraction is always her loneliness

Loneliness: Her Biggest Attraction

「ねえ」は相手が自分の存在を感じているという前提がある時にだけ使える麗しい言葉

「ねえ」と「あなた」：わたしの好きな日本の言葉

Feels like this unclearness of emotions is what makes us human

I can't forget. I don't want to forget

私も歳を重ねて、徐々にこのグレーゾーン、いわば「感情のあわい」を自分自身の体験として、ナマナマしいものとして知り始めた

忘れられない。忘れたくない。

'Like'. This feeling always contains a certain sense of truth

And I like you

「好き」という気持ちには、なにか侵しがたいもの、高貴なもの、つまり「真実」がある

『真実だったって』

Something I've been kind of annoyed in Krakow is

Discovery in Krakow

Probably because I couldn't see her whole face, but only a part of it

Woman Looks More Attractive at Night

With time, I feel my sensitivity became more shape & vivid

Far Away From

8 September 2012

Young boys & girls in the white shirt overflowing

Young boys & girls in the white shirt

Contradiction is exactly her attractiveness as a human being

Contradiction = Attraction

Lack of conflict between herself & reality around her

Attractive Story

This is the only thing that penetrates my 20 years

I still listen to you & I still like you

This notion easily leads me to a complete isolation

Not Sharing the Exact Same

These polite, considerate, kind, humanly notions are one of the youth's coping mechanisms with their spiritual vacuum

Spiritual Vacuum & Young Polish People

I reject everything I find ugly & I accept everything I find beautiful

Most important thing for my life

I vividly felt she's surely an animal who is still alive

Kiss

For 2 years of my life in Warsaw, I wonder how I could deal with boredom & mundanity of human life

Warsaw Boredom

Do I feel 'arousal' more often here than in Japan as a straight guy?

Skin Exposure

I'm very tired of seeing big, macho, skin-head men on the street every single day

Exhaustion with local men

Religions & Suicide Rejection

It is this sense of connection that is completely missing when I visit churches

Churches remind me of my origin

I could perfectly capture the moment that my attraction towards her deepened

Attraction Deepening

「いま、私はこの人に一歩深く魅了された」と、はっきりとこころの動きを認識できた瞬間のこと

魅了の深まるとき

Once the name of Abe was heard, sharp vivid pain was momentarily passing by

Abe: Losing a part of my life

All attraction came from there & ended there

Beautiful Hands

Meeting is not enough

I will be still dreaming of something that will destroy all mundanity & make me forget about myself

 Another Normal Human Life

Recently I was thinking what kind of qualities in others I am attracted to

Attractive Qualities ― Vulnerability & Purity

I always have almost an emotional conviction that everything of WW2 was happening during summer

World War II & Summer

How much pain, sadness, loneliness or happiness needed for cry

Can I still cry?

Listening to one of my favourite singers, Yoshiko Sai's first album in 1975

Flashbacks: 2018 & 2023

Kyoko's House is probably the most unfortunate novel in Mishima's career

Kyoko's House

Her shines, her dazzling shines that she showed to the outside world only that night, only for a moment

35-year-old woman who has a 15-year-old body

少女みたいな身体を彼女が持っていることに気がついた。

15歳で成長が止まってしまった彼女の身体

Staying in Krakow feels like I'm experiencing an alternative history that could have happened

Krakow: Alternative History

The other day I met a woman from the online. And I felt what I always feel. A gap between photos & real

She Looks Different From Photos

Leaving Japan

This entire country, Japan, is filled with these Kawaii/cute stuff everywhere

Overflowing Kawaii

firmly believe they are the most polite & humble people in the world

Holding the door open for others

Not Learning Japanese

So much empty space to be fulfilled with my illusions & delusions

Moment for a drama

Summer is when more attention is required regarding one's fashion

Japanese Woman in Summer

Appreciating male beauty seems far more pure & noble

Appreciating Male Beauty

Japan country always has a very optimistic attitude on death, particularly suicide

Nonchalant Suicide

Japanese people can't think about anything in their head

Brainless Japanese

Unfilled, unsatisfied, intense emotions that Japanese arts always express

Japan ― Humidity ― Asia

Any thoughts, any emotions, any memories can invade into our mind, yet we can't resist it at all

Most Vulnerable Moment

夏至とは堕つることの始まりの日

夏至

Always some strange feeling occurs when the summer solstice comes when I'm in Japan

Summer Solstice

This sense of continuity is what makes me 'me' today

identity

We can play around with any kind of concepts, ideas & ideologies, that sound good and trendy

Unsuitable Ideology

Excessive self-consciousness & sensitivity are suitable only for a young person

A middle-aged man has to be fat

完璧でないといけないという潔癖主義と繊細さは若者のものであって、中年男には投げやりと寛容が欲しい

中年男は太っていなければならぬ

Being spontaneously rejected before being actually rejected by others

Act as a Victim

Being a perfectionist is a privilege of the youth. Only immaturity & inexperience can produce a perfectionist

Perfectionist

年を重ねる中で、「すべきこと」から逸脱して「すべきではないこと」を犯す場面に何度も遭遇し、そして犯してもなにも異常は起きないばかりか

『完璧主義者』という若者

One momentarily encounter with a beauty was far more emotionally rich than sex

Is sex must to make someone unforgettable?

記憶には残るが、しかし生々しいものとしては残らない。

セックスと感情

'I still listen to his music and I still like him'. This is the only thing that penetrates my 20 years

20 years of Emotion

Accept only things that I find 'beautiful' & reject everything that I find 'ugly'

Innocent Ardency + Excellence = Beauty

あの人の音楽を今もまだ聴いていて、今もまだあの人のことを好きだということこそがただ唯一、この20年の人生の確かさを保証してくれているもののように思う。

あこがれ ― 20年間好きな人

美しいと感じるものだけを受け入れ、醜いと感じるものはすべて拒絶する。

こだわり

I can enjoy seeing good-looking Japanese boys on the street in Tokyo

Men's fear of being judged as gay（Homosexuality part 2）

Even being gay could emphasise he is more loyal to tradition

Right-wing nationalist as well as gay（Homosexuality part 1）

「男の身を飾るべきものは服ではなく筋肉である」と彼らは内心ふかく確信している。

ヨーロッパ人男性の恐怖（Homosexuality 2）

『三島由紀夫は右翼のナショナリストなのに、同時にゲイであるっていうのが面白いと思う』

右翼であり同性愛者であること（Homosexuality 1）

This undeniable feeling that this artwork & I are from the same place

DNA Level Bonding

Beauty of actresses is the only reason for still watching films

Vanished Beauty

私が映画を観る唯一の理由は、美しい女優を見るためだけである。

今は亡き幻を見せられる

Haven't received this simple fun of seeing good-looking faces

Pretty Japanese boys & girls

Men around 20 years old are the least attractive, but why?

Why young boys are like this?

なぜ若い男は恋愛にこうも簡単に盛り上がってしまうのか。

若い男が魅力的ではない理由

「日本」や「日本人」といったもの対してねじれた感情を抱き、私自身もはや100%の日本人であるとは感じていない。

私を「日本」につなぎとめるもの

ウクライナの大統領がはるばる日本に来る報に接すると、日本として大きな一線を越えた感と「引きずり込まれる」といった言葉まで浮かんでくる

広島G7サミット

Watching a live broadcast from Hiroshima where G7 summit happening

Hiroshima G7 summit

日本でGoogle Mapを使って最初に気がつくのは、高レビューの店が少ないことだ。

日本人がレビューをする時

Under the strong sunlight Touch the flower

Memory of her skin

I'm too familiar with this inhuman environment & inhuman humans, and I'm one of them

Tokyo

東京への滞在が長引くほど、日本のウィルスが我が身へと深く浸透してくるのを感ずる。

東京

「のぞき」や「盗撮」のニュースは見るたびに覚える嫌悪。この国の人間のどうしようもない精神的もろさ、 精神的未熟、精神的奇形がよく表れているからである。

まなざし

日本のYouTube動画やSNSの写真を最初に気づくのは、背景に映る人や同じ写真に映っている人の顔がモザイクで消されていることだ

写真にうつる顔を隠す異様さ

Menstrual pads, tampons, sanitary items for women are inside

Japan, Excessive, Contribution

住んでいる街の図書館の入り口近くには机があり、そこには広報の知らせや市内のイベントのチラシなどが置かれている。

日本の過剰の不気味

同じ国の人から母語で投げかけられた言葉、そこにある不気味な生々しい手触り・・・・・、この生々しさこそ実は私がもっとも目を背けているものだった。

生々しさ

A chat with a random Japanese babushka left me strange feel of realness

Realness of the war in Ukraine

My relationship with Japanese language is very distorted

Complicated Relationship with My Language

『poetry』と『亡骸を・・・』。変わらないものと変わるもの・・・暗さ、悲しさ、妖しさ、美しさ・・・そう、同じ美学が流れている。

作品の愉しみ方

プログラミング関係の文章を読んでいて目にあまるのが低俗な日本語である。

目にあまる低俗な日本語

'Thank you for coming to our country', said Serbian uni student

Discovery in Krakow

8 September 2012

Young boys & girls in the white shirt

Spiritual Vacuum & Young Polish People

Warsaw Boredom

Exhaustion with local men

Religions & Suicide Rejection

Churches remind me of my origin

Another Normal Human Life

Flashbacks: 2018 & 2023

35-year-old woman who has a 15-year-old body

Krakow: Alternative History

Realisations Poland gave me

About 2022

Countries On One Continent

Student Anxiety

Polish people and history

Pain & Sadness: I don't want to forget

Desire for Eternity

Warsaw and Tokyo

Abe and Lukashenko