by axxxm
I want to talk about only you
7/April/2024
A dream called melancholy
This is our first meeting. But I feel like I met you before
6/April/2024
Because it already exists in me before it exists in the world
Listening to 'ETERNAL'
5/April/2024
I don't want to listen to this album, as if consuming something
Stealing
3/April/2024
Stealing her perfume
Beauty doesn't exist
27/March/2024
The more beauty in his interpretation expands
Something more important
23/March/2024
Things that cannot be summerised by any words
ETERNAL ― my closure
25/March/2024
ETERNAL
ETERNAL ― alone
24/March/2024
ETERNAL
ETERNAL ― I know
23/March/2024
ETERNAL
ETERNAL ― 21 years
22/March/2024
ETERNAL
9TO3／3TO9
19/March/2024
I feel like this September will come soon
Other's sufferings heal us
17/March/2024
Art is born from pain & sufferings
Perfectionist 2
16/March/2024
Perfectionist, just because they don't have enough communication with other human beings
Hope
13/March/2024
I could have such a nice time in the past. Then, I will have another nice time again
'love'
7/March/2024
love, ephemeral, eternal
Rain stops
6/March/2024
small joy, small delight
A Little Text
2/March/2024
Just listening, just nodding, eases and heals
my new ephemeral
29/February/2024
my new ephemeral my new ETERNAL
2020201620122008
29/February/2024
Once in four years
Sadness & Anger
28/February/2024
I feel sadness in a situation where I should feel anger
Arigatou
25/February/2024
bye bye, my ephemeral lily
I am anxious
24/February/2024
I am anxious, but I want to live
New Sadness
21/February/2024
New sadness of forgetting old sadness
Ephemeral Lily
19/February/2024
Memory of ephemeral lily. My ephemeral lily
Where my emotions are gone?
18/February/2024
I don't think it was all illusion
Ephemeral, yet Eternal
2/February/2024
Ephemeral emotion in us can be eternal. Ephemeral existence of us can be eternal
Anywhere, but not here
31/January/2024
I want the future
my first sadness
27/January/2024
I could not stop my memories........'our memories'........being destroyed in front of me
Modern Relationships 2 ― Visible communication
25/January/2024
Online communications are all recorded & extremely visible, thus it shows an imbalance of the relationship
Modern Relationships 1 ― Over-emotions
25/January/2024
Special treatment for emotions, over-estimation of emotions, worship for emotions, being a slave of emotions
Naked Trees
22/January/2024
She said 'the white snow decorates naked trees'
99th Birthday & Suicide may be selfish
14/January/2024
If Mishima Yukio was still alive, he would be 99 years old today
I want to be alone more
11/January/2024
Sometimes I feel so
I like flowers now
28/December/2023
I didn't know how much joy & delight flowers bring to our daily life
Replying Texts
25/December/2023
Feels so difficult to reply a text, even just write Yes or No
My sadness & loneliness will certainly continue
20/December/2023
I feel fear that I will still be very attracted to sadness, pain and loneliness in me
What I am tired is
15/December/2023
To believe I'm the right one. And the other is wrong one
I am nameless
15/December/2023
I am nameless, but...
Same Faces: pattern recognition
11/December/2023
Attention to details makes it hard to extract common elements & recognise patters
True Letter
11/December/2023
A letter is a snapshot of one's emotions
moment by moment
11/December/2023
Truth ― moment ― Emotion
We Learn Emotions
10/December/2023
A man 'learns' how to love by using his memory/experience of being loved by his parents
I have to hurt others
2/December/2023
No matter how much I don't want, I still have to hurt him/her, because
When I was innocent
28/November/2023
I was 100% innocent with what I wanted then
Days: Passed & Never Repeats
20/November/2023
Reading my diary from this summer
Why are we so sentimental?
14/November/2023
Because the past is so safe
Idealised Past
13/November/2023
Life becomes absolutely unacceptable, unbearable, unforgivable
Real opinions about Japan
11/November/2023
This is my first time to hear opinions about my country from a person I know
My Attachment with Japan
11/November/2023
It's uneasy to be in a place where I don't have a strong reason for my stay
I can't live abroad forever
11/November/2023
The longer I stayed abroad, the more I felt unbearable
How To End Beautifully
11/November/2023
In the future, how will I remember this event that I'm experiencing right now?
Life is not a cheap Asian restaurant
9/November/2023
We cannot pick up only what we like
Ignorant Tears
8/November/2023
Being ignorant is a must to be beautiful
Emotions: Only one's own language can express
31/October/2023
Sakurai San. Still hard to believe you are not here anymore
Just One More Kiss ― Sakurai Atsushi
26/October/2023
Sakurai Atsushi's passing. Probably I'm scared this reality becomes real inside me
Life Template
12/October/2023
We often do things in life, not because 'I want to'. But because 'I am supposed to'
Be Vulnerable, Be Attractive
12/October/2023
Being able to express one's anxiety is attractive
Story To Tell
11/October/2023
I could not think I had 'something different' from others
Happiness is Tasteless 2
23/September/2023
Feeling one's own emotion is the most strong, fresh, dazzling evidence of being alive
Happiness is Tasteless 1
23/September/2023
I felt such vivid, keen, acute emotions to the fullest
Source of My Life Contradiction
19/September/2023
How these ordinary, mundane, down-to-earth, worthless garbage in my life is related to art works & people I find extremely significant?
Far Away From
9/September/2023
With time, I feel my sensitivity became more shape & vivid
8 September 2012
8/September/2023
11th anniversary. Where was I?
I still listen to you & I still like you
31/August/2023
This is the only thing that penetrates my 20 years
Not Sharing the Exact Same
31/August/2023
This notion easily leads me to a complete isolation
Warsaw Boredom
26/August/2023
For 2 years of my life in Warsaw, I wonder how I could deal with boredom & mundanity of human life
Exhaustion with local men
24/August/2023
I'm very tired of seeing big, macho, skin-head men on the street every single day
Attraction Deepening
22/August/2023
I could perfectly capture the moment that my attraction towards her deepened
Abe: Losing a part of my life
21/August/2023
Once the name of Abe was heard, sharp vivid pain was momentarily passing by
Can I still cry?
14/August/2023
How much pain, sadness, loneliness or happiness needed for cry
Flashbacks: 2018 & 2023
12/August/2023
Listening to one of my favourite singers, Yoshiko Sai's first album in 1975
Krakow: Alternative History
8/August/2023
Staying in Krakow feels like I'm experiencing an alternative history that could have happened
Moment for a drama
6/July/2023
So much empty space to be fulfilled with my illusions & delusions
Appreciating Male Beauty
29/June/2023
Appreciating male beauty seems far more pure & noble
Summer Solstice
22/June/2023
Always some strange feeling occurs when the summer solstice comes when I'm in Japan
identity
20/June/2023
This sense of continuity is what makes me 'me' today
Unsuitable Ideology
20/June/2023
We can play around with any kind of concepts, ideas & ideologies, that sound good and trendy
A middle-aged man has to be fat
14/June/2023
Excessive self-consciousness & sensitivity are suitable only for a young person
Act as a Victim
11/June/2023
Being spontaneously rejected before being actually rejected by others
Perfectionist
10/June/2023
Being a perfectionist is a privilege of the youth. Only immaturity & inexperience can produce a perfectionist
Is sex must to make someone unforgettable?
8/June/2023
One momentarily encounter with a beauty was far more emotionally rich than sex
20 years of Emotion
6/June/2023
'I still listen to his music and I still like him'. This is the only thing that penetrates my 20 years
Innocent Ardency + Excellence = Beauty
6/June/2023
Accept only things that I find 'beautiful' & reject everything that I find 'ugly'
Men's fear of being judged as gay（Homosexuality part 2）
3/June/2023
I can enjoy seeing good-looking Japanese boys on the street in Tokyo
Right-wing nationalist as well as gay（Homosexuality part 1）
3/June/2023
Even being gay could emphasise he is more loyal to tradition
DNA Level Bonding
27/May/2023
This undeniable feeling that this artwork & I are from the same place
Vanished Beauty
26/May/2023
Beauty of actresses is the only reason for still watching films
Memory of her skin
16/May/2023
Under the strong sunlight Touch the flower
Tokyo
15/May/2023
I'm too familiar with this inhuman environment & inhuman humans, and I'm one of them
Japan, Excessive, Contribution
13/May/2023
Menstrual pads, tampons, sanitary items for women are inside
Separation I & Me
10/April/2023
If I was a foreign person I could innocently naively appreciate things in this country
Nationality & Individuality（part 3）
9/April/2023
There is a couple of risks in living abroad
Nationality & Individuality（part 2）
9/April/2023
Denying one's own country inevitably leads us to self-denial & self-hatred
Nationality & Individuality（part 1）
9/April/2023
There is a drama between nationality & individuality
Objectivity & Subjectivity（part 3）
3/April/2023
Japanese people look like a robot
Objectivity & Subjectivity（part 2）
3/April/2023
It's far easier, far safer for us to believe in objectivity than subjectivity
Visited the countryside & felt guilty
2/April/2023
Visited grandparent's place last month
'Thinking' means 'Looking for words'
1/April/2023
Something appears in me Something I want to write about Then, which language to use for this?
Japan's history makes me dizzy
1/April/2023
These days I was often reading books about Japan's Heian period (8 - 12th Century)
Abe's place
31/March/2023
Visiting this place was actually one of the main reasons why I went to Nara
Impossibility of Sharing
29/March/2023
In the last day in Nara Rainy morning Saw this flower
Best way for hiding oneself
29/March/2023
The best way to hide myself is to avoid my 1st language, but use my 2nd language
My Avoidant Attachment Style with Japanese Language
29/March/2023
Over the past decade, when I was abroad, I desperately avoided Japanese people
My most difficult relationship
19/March/2023
Talking about Japanese people means talking about myself. There is a subject I tried to avoid over the past couple of months
Travel Changes
19/March/2023
My expectation from travel seems changing
Kagawa: my real hometown
15/March/2023
Leaving Kagawa
Reading Abe's memoir
28/February/2023
While talking, something unexpected comes out of our mouth
Will & Effort for Observers
27/February/2023
I have no interest in Mishima, but just curious why he could have such a strong will power?
February
20/February/2023
Towards the end of February, always some reluctant feeling is built up in me
Jealousy with drawing
13/February/2023
Last summer in Perast, Montenegro Saw a guy drawing a landscape
A letter that won't be delivered
10/February/2023
Writing a letter, knowing this letter won't be delivered
Kamo River
10/February/2023
Kamo river is undeniably one of elements that make Kyoto attractive as a city
'An Origin of 20 Years Old' by Etsuko Takano
26/January/2023
Past few days, reading a diary written by a Japanese girl Published in 1971 & became popular among the young
Bombarded by Garbage
22/January/2023
Exposed to completely unnecessary matters everyday
Unhappy in my life, but Fruitful in my diary
16/January/2023
Going through lots of emotional roller-coasters in 2017
Sincerity
15/January/2023
Just like everyone, I'd like to be sincere with others
Talking about 'love' looks foolish
15/January/2023
Love always rejects understandings from others
'I'm an artist'
14/January/2023
Nowadays.....well, over the past 10 years.....everyone uses this phrase
Art & Theme
14/January/2023
What is the theme of this film? What is the message this writer express?
Loneliness & Suicide
14/January/2023
In our society, there are things that we're prohibited to approve
Avoid external things but juicy part
8/January/2023
These information is very important to draw the whole story we want to share, but it is not the most juicy part
The Truth
6/January/2023
Almost all truth is neither pleasing nor comfortable. It destroys something inside you
Realisations Poland gave me
5/January/2023
So far I went to Poland 4 times and every time a certain significant realisation came to me
Emotions Can't Be Summarised
3/January/2023
In a store, I always see books showing summary of famous world literatures
Unhappiness Tells More
2/January/2023
Being happy is the most insensitive state of mind
Memory of 'Living in a moment'
1/January/2023
In the New Year, what we shouldn't do the most is probably reading an old diary
Moment & Emotion
31/December/2022
The below is an extract from my diary in March 2017
Cute skinny feminine Korean boys
28/December/2022
This summer in Sarajevo in Bosnia, I came across this street concert
ART OF LIFE／すべてを破壊せずにはいられない衝動
26/December/2022
By quoting lyrics from the song I'm attached to like this, what can I tell?
About 2022
25/December/2022
This year will soon come to an end
Foreign Japanese Women
24/December/2022
In a foreign country when having a drink with local men/guys/boys, I frequently got askedm
Tanizaki and Lust
21/December/2022
So far I often mentioned Mishima here, so that I always missed an opportunity to touch another writer, Tanizaki, Will write a bit about him
Sensitivity & Strength
19/December/2022
'Silent Jealousy' is one of 2 songs that couldn't be missed in my Amsterdam days
I still remember?
16/December/2022
Reading tons of memos I wrote in 2015 - 2017 while living in Amsterdam I always think I have a quite good memory and don't forget a person I go out with
Memory Fades Away
25/November/2022
52 years ago today Yukio Mishima died It was sunny Wednesday noon in 1970 and it quickly became nationwide news
Abe and Me
15/November/2022
More than 4 months passed since his death, but I still think about Abe
Desire for Eternity
26/October/2022
One of motive for creation is desire for eternity, ecstacy for eternity
Latin Bridge, First World War and Abe
7/September/2022
Here is where Austrian crown prince and his wife were killed in 1914
Mountains in Bosnia
25/August/2022
What I'm pleased in Bosnia is being able to see mountains Mountain is always tightly related to my memory of Japan because mountains can be seen almost everywhere there
Absolute and Concrete World
3/May/2019
People who live in a concrete world: They are those
Humans Never Become Mature
21/March/2019
We often over-evaluate older people, thinking like
Absolute Boredom
16/January/2019
What is an opposite thing of 'satisfaction' or 'fulfillment'?
Free From the Era
9/January/2019
Last night I was remembering friend’s sayings about Murakami and Mishima
Pitfall of Living Abroad
24/December/2018
Why is living abroad exciting and so sweet?
We Live in the Middle of a Transition
21/November/2018
We tend to think that our parent or people in the past had more stable
Why does the Japanese glorify death?
10/September/2018
One of the answers is quite interesting. This answerer describes the Japanese attitude toward death very well
'How to Die?' ― the 2nd Question
27/August/2018
The first question we face in our life is How to Live?
How to Love
22/August/2018
What is needed when we love someone or something? I think the most important condition for love is ephemerality
Un-humanistic Nature of Happiness
11/August/2018
Happiness is lukewarm.Tragedy is far more vivid, far more keen, far more lively, far more human.
Bearable Life
4/August/2018
Long time ago I had a pet, a small animal. Sometimes I felt that he taught me something.
Happiness is Tasteless
11/May/2018
Many people want to be happy. Many people tend to think being happy is one of the ultimate goals in our lives. But one thing we should not forget is that happiness itself does not provide anything to us.
Eternal Life & Death
12/March/2018
To live forever. They say this has been a dream of human being since our history began (I have never dreamt of it, though)